Abuse is NOT Irrelevant
This website explains the message behind the "Abuse is Not Irrelevant!" signs you may see in El Dorado County. In too many cases, courts treat certain forms of domestic abuse — particularly those tied to infidelity or coercive control — as irrelevant. This leaves survivors without meaningful protection under current interpretations of domestic violence laws. We stand with local agencies like Vista Rise Collective, CPS, and others who clearly recognize this harm and support survivors of it.
In a recent DVRO (domestic violence restraining order) hearing before Commissioner Michael Friel in Dept 12, El Dorado County Superior Court (South Lake Tahoe), evidence of ongoing abuse linked to infidelity was clearly presented, yet framed as requiring the "adjudication of infidelity" — and therefore deemed irrelevant by the court, as California’s no-fault divorce laws prevent the adjudication of infidelity. This ruling effectively treats infidelity-based emotional and psychological abuse as outside the scope of domestic violence protections in California family court.
California law defines domestic violence broadly to include conduct that "disturbs the peace" by destroying a person's mental or emotional calm, which can encompass coercive control and patterns of emotional abuse.
However, court interpretations sometimes sideline infidelity-related abuse by viewing it as a private matter rather than actionable harm in DVRO proceedings.
This creates a gap: Survivors who are clearly supported by domestic violence treatment agencies like Vista Rise Collective, still face barriers finding safety in the legal system.
Result: Infidelity-based abuse is essentially treated as legal or irrelevant in practice, even when it causes profound harm. This is unacceptable.
My Story
I never expected that trying to save my marriage would turn into such a difficult fight just to have the emotional abuse I endured recognized as real. Many people understand how jealousy and insecurity in a relationship can lead to controlling behaviors and ongoing torment—the constant accusations, the need to constantly prove innocence, the demands for explanations over every suspicion. I had never cheated or had an affair, but that never seemed to stop the cycle.
When things reached a breaking point, my wife and I began marriage counseling at the strong recommendation of our support network. I entered those sessions hoping for honesty and real help. Instead, the focus quickly shifted to the swirling accusations against me, while the controlling patterns and emotional toll I was experiencing were often downplayed or treated as secondary. It felt like the infidelity-related suspicions colored everything, making my concerns about the relationship dynamics harder to address. I left many sessions feeling more invalidated and alone. The therapist stated outright that my emotional reactions to the repeated false accusations made me appear guilty, while my then wife’s hysterical and emotional displays and accusations were treated as normal. I couldn’t believe it. Our therapist then encouraged my continued surrender in the face of the daily stress and controlling behaviors. My then-wife would often reference those sessions as support for her perspective, “even the marriage counselor said you looked guilty!”. Again… I couldn’t believe it. What I had hoped would help our family instead contributed to deepening the divide.
The accusations only grew stronger afterward and became the dominant narrative. The abuse I had been living with—the fear, the walking on eggshells, the psychological impact—was frequently overshadowed or minimized because of the infidelity suspicions. There were even troubling incidents involving another mom in our community who was wrongly suspected. It was disturbing to witness, yet it reinforced how the context seemed to make my own victimization less visible to those who could have helped.
Desperate for support, I reached out to a local domestic violence advocacy organization (Vista Rise). For the first time, I felt truly heard without judgment. Their advocates listened, helped me understand the patterns, and affirmed that the harm was real. They also shared that couples counseling is often not recommended in situations involving abuse, as therapists often miss the power imbalances1 and can end up sympathizing with the abuser, especially if the abuser is a woman2. This aligned with guidance from resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
With the support of Vista Rise, I sought legal protection through family court, presenting the pattern of what I had experienced along with supporting documentation from my individual therapy.
I hoped for recognition and safety measures. However, the court proceedings focused heavily on the infidelity-related context. My descriptions of emotional abuse and control were largely set aside as outside the main scope, while again, my own distressed reactions to the ongoing situation were highlighted. Behaviors that were called “psychological and emotional domestic violence” by the local domestic violence clinic was labeled “irrelevant” by the local domestic violence court.
This outcome left me with very limited time with my children—only about 6 hours per week—and I walked away feeling the same deep invalidation I had experienced in counseling. It was incredibly painful and confusing. That period was one of the hardest in my life. For the past 9 months, I have not lived under the same roof as my children, who witnessed much of this. Not a single night. Imagine that…especially if you’re a parent.
No clear justification that addressed the full picture has felt satisfactory to me. Thankfully, other voices provided validation. A counselor from Vista Rise expressed outright shock and described the family court outcome as particularly difficult to understand given the circumstances. Everyone in my support network also has difficult time imagining a mother seeking help from the local DV court under similar circumstances -with the support of the local DV clinic- only to have her abuse dismissed as irrelevant by the court and then be punished for reactions to her husbands abuse. Simply unthinkable.
Later, CPS conducted a thorough investigation and was sympathetic, recognizing the dynamics and the abuse I had described. Their findings helped affirm what I had been experiencing. Throughout the process, Vista Rise remained a consistent source of support—attending hearings, providing letters, and reminding me that my story mattered. Their advocacy has been invaluable.
Looking back, the most challenging part wasn’t only the abuse itself, but seeing it repeatedly minimized or dismissed because of its connection to infidelity suspicions. Both the counseling experience and the court process left me feeling that some victims’ pain is treated as less relevant depending on the circumstances or narrative.
Later support from CPS, Vista Rise, and other professionals showed me that abuse is never irrelevant. It doesn’t become less real because of gender expectations, infidelity-related factors, procedural gray areas, or initial systemic oversights. The fear, the damage to mental and emotional well-being—these are real. Survivors, regardless of gender, deserve to be taken seriously.
Sharing this isn’t about blame or revisiting every detail. Even though pursuing marriage counseling and certain court avenues turned out to be very difficult paths for me and my family, this is about raising awareness. No one should have to fight so hard just to have their experience of abuse acknowledged. And nobody should lose access to their children because they do not tolerate abuse well.
Abuse is NEVER irrelevant.
Sources:
1. National Domestic Violence HotlineTitle: Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?
Author: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Link: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
2. Service Providers’ Experiences with Male Victims and Female PerpetratorsTitle: “We have to fight for our existence in the system”: exploring service providers’ experiences with male victims and female perpetrators of intimate partner violence
Author: (Not listed in abstract; research article by multiple contributors)
3. Barriers to Men’s Help-Seeking for Intimate Partner ViolenceTitle: Barriers to Men’s Help Seeking for Intimate Partner Violence
Author: J.C. Taylor et al.
Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9554285/
4. Couples Therapy for Intimate Partner Violence (Meta-Analysis)Title: Couple Therapy for Intimate Partner Violence: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis
Author: Gunnur Karakurt et al.
Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5050084/
We are pursuing all legal avenues available to address this issue.
We welcome all legal assistance, and are eager to speak to any and all media to draw necessary attention to this critical issue.
Please contact via the email address below.
Disclaimer: This site is for public awareness and advocacy. It is not legal advice. Views expressed reflect personal experience and supported observations.
Donations support with housing, court costs, and awareness efforts. This is not a registered charity—donations are not tax-deductible.